Creeping towards 3000 followers… blown away.

You guys, are absolutely incredible! I’ve had 10 new followers in under 24 hours and two handfuls over the past week. Firstly, welcome to all my new followers 🖤 and to all, words can’t express how grateful I am to have you all here, thank you. I don’t expect a single thing from you, I see the stat views climb on my posts and that is more then enough for me, but for those of you that like and comment, an extra thanks goes to you. I never knew my blog would attract such a lovely community, no matter how many times I’ve erased its contents, disappeared, and renamed it, you’ve stuck with it… 🖤 much love and respect to you all.


Current read: Kate Ven Hooft – We See The Stars. No spoilers, I promise.

Don’t worry, there are no spoilers here, in fact, I only started this book last night but I feel it’s worth a post already.

I’m not to sure what caught my attention here, a bit of a different read compared to my normal genre but I’ll give any book a chance, and I’m glad I did. Not only does the story line sound free flowing and tender almost, but it’s the author that took me by surprise, and her back story. I discovered this information after I purchased the book by the way. She was born and raised in Melbourne, Australia, like myself, and also has a degree in creative writing (among others), also like myself. While she has thrown more then 10 years into education and the disability and well being sector, she has become passionate about youth mental health and the way current therapeutic trauma frameworks can inadvertently pathologise children. So, not only has she pursued her love of writing and created her first book: We See The Stars, but she is also pursuing her passion within the psychological field, two things I can heavily relate to, and two things that I hold very close to my heart.

I think her life abstractly mirrors my own so I feel like the book is a testament that what I’m doing, and all that I want to do, can very well be done, the whole ‘you can have your cake and eat it too’ scenario, whoever said you can’t is full of shit, don’t take that negative bullshit from nobody. A career in psychology and an author, ambitious? absolutely.. but have you met me?

A career in changing/saving lives and my name in big bold letters on the front of numerous books in a book store, looks good, doesn’t it?… I’m a dreamer?.. Hell yeah I am, and I got this.

Not really sure what to title this, or even what this is, but it’s raw and it’s mine… the rest is history.

What is it like to be valued and appreciated?

What is it like to be empowered and feel like you’re going places? Motivated, frustrated, but dedicated?

Never knowing that in my life I was going to make it, to be gifted and chosen among a million faces.

What is it like to tear down the walls that made you? What is it like to confront the demons that helped shape you? The ones that helped shade you? That never hesitated to make it rain on you?

A tiny ballerina, pink bows and worn shoes. A loud voice with big words, big scars and a weapon I was forced to use.

One foot in front of the other, that’s how my mother raised me.

Fight for what you believe in, don’t let them try and take it!

Twelve years old and influenced, imperfect and naive. Sixteen years old when life gave me the kick in the ass that I needed. Raised by the best and still managed to veer south, my biggest role models still fighting for me and still willing to put food in my mouth. Now that I’m older, and the worlds grown colder, I’ll never forget what that mother told her daughter.

You’re a mirror image of your grandmother, she would never be told.

Keep your finger on that trigger, cock, lock, and reload.

Don’t underestimate it, that’s it, the time isn’t yours, it’s borrowed, you’ll be a little older tomorrow, although, you may be walking solo but you’ll never lose that energy, not your glow, no.

A mind full of magic and a soul to wreak havoc, to create a movement,

but did you know irregularity and uniqueness are recipes for disapprovement? Don’t waste your breath, there is no room for improvement.

They always laughed, we doubt you’ll ever make it,

so much venom in their statements, but look at me now, moving out of the shadows of common placement.

Am I scared? Will I fail? These are the common questions, common hesitations,

do I fear I won’t live up to these faultless expectations?

Yes, but if I give in to defeat, give up, and take it on the shoulders,

I might as well turn around, pick up, and start putting those walls up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, I never said I was.

I’ve been there, late nights, tattoos and arm loads of drugs.

I’ve done wrong, I’ve made errors and I’ve been cheated,

learn from your mistakes they say, be humble, remain seated.

I’ve retreated, I’ve removed the knife from my back, the pain, the crack, only a motivator for me to fight back.

If my head is down it means I’m overthinking, trying to find my balance and find something more to believe in.

They ask me why I do what I want to do inviting others pain into my life, do you not see what I see? That’s someone’s child or nephew, someone’s father or wife. I’ll be there voice, I’ll be their pain, it’s not their fault that they cannot explain it. I’m there to help them escape it. Who are you to judge them if they cannot contain it?

A life isn’t a waste, it’s worth just as much as yours, I dare you to be the person you are behind closed doors. Let them see the real you, unguarded and naked, and then go criticise those you thought were undereducated, shaded and full of hatred. You’ll realise you’re made the same, it’s funny ain’t it?

They can strip you down, rob you of your home and be a hypocrite, but they can never steal your faith and beliefs in this life and how you perceive it. I’ll always be honest, even when it hurts, and they’ll be saying, Amber, please, Amber, no, Amber, just stop it! I’ll stand tall, wear my heart on my sleeve and be proud of the wrongs I’ve committed. The only thing I can’t do is bring back those I love that I hope can see it.

….. I’ll always see the stars.

Entry #3 – 100%

I’ve had to play a little bit of catch up as of late but I’m getting on top of things, in other words, I’m getting my shit together. I’m writing more, I’m drawing more, I’m reading more, I’m sharing more. I’m taking part in little hobbies and I’m all together getting involved in a therapy called creative expression which is all of the things I just mentioned and more. I’m happier, I’m a little lighter and I see a little more clearly. Along with the eating healthy, running and gym routines, I’m feeling pretty good.

There is a lot of irony in what I do and what I’m legally training to be. For those of you that don’t know the reason I’m at university, I’m undergoing a degree in psychological sciences to obtain my license to legally practice as a psychologist. In saying that, people always presume that psychologists must have precision mental health, myth, we are just as susceptible to irregular mental health patterns as everyone else, if not more so. Far too often I get the phrase ‘how are you going to be a psychologist if you can’t stay on top of yourself, or you get upset when…, angry at…, anxious when…’ Ooof, and then my creative writing, ha! we can be creatively dark too… guys, I’m human! In fact, psychologists go through their own therapy to make sure they iron out any flat spots or issues they may be facing to better deal with yours! It’s a tough gig, give us a little credit. No matter how many years we throw at studying and time in the field it does not shield us from human functions and emotions, nor would we want it to.

Now, why did I title this entry 100%? I smashed a statistic test today… 100%!!! Usually I don’t boast, but considering I fucking hate stats, and I’m horrible with numbers, thats a pretty damn big achievement for me. I’ve got around 5 weeks left of this unit and I’ll be entirely honest, it won’t be missed! Then summer break, whoop!

I’ve been pondering, dangerous I know… so many things to do, so little time. I’ve done a lot in my 28 years, so many more to come, so much opportunity awaits.


Last nights little bit of creativeness 🖤🗝

Having a little bit of fun with some handmade morse code pieces. This wrap was last nights project, the morse code messages inspired by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross ~ “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths.”

Remember this…

They say when we grow up you’ll understand when you’re older. Guess I’m still a kid, I don’t know it, if I’ll ever let go of this. Say goodbye to the old me, we aren’t friends anymore, you don’t know me. I know I could die any moment, if I do just remember this.
You want something in life, then why don’t you go and get it? Actions speak louder than words do, it’s pretty quiet, isn’t it? Look at the world we live in, defined by comment sections, surround yourself with people that challenge how you think not people that nod their head and act like they agree. Those people will cut you open just to watch you bleed, always be yourself, not the person that you pretend to be. These people are going to tell you that you will never make it, then when you do, they are going to say they knew you were going places. That’s just how it works, next thing you know you’ll be overrated,
hearing people say they miss the “old you”, it’s crazy, ain’t it? Perfect people don’t exist, so don’t pretend to be one. I don’t need pats on the back from people for my achievements and when I die I want to know that I lived for a reason. Anyone can take your life, but not what you believe in.

Don’t take opinions from people that won’t listen to yours. If money’s where you find happiness, you’ll always be poor. If you don’t like the job you have, then what do you do it for? The cure to pain isn’t something you buy in a store. The real you is not defined by the size of your office, the real you is who you are when nobody is watching. You spend your whole life worried about what’s in your wallet, for what? That money won’t show up inside your coffin. Your anger is a liar, he has got no respect. I fell in love with my pain and I’ve slept with my regrets. Mistakes can make you grow, that doesn’t mean you’re friends, who you are is up to you, don’t leave it up to them.
They say ‘you got into writing’, you signed up to be hated. That’s kind of weird, because I don’t remember signing my name up to be dictated. This coming from people that give advice but never take none, I like my privacy, but, lately, I feel it’s invaded. I heard that ‘life’s too short’, ‘don’t let it pass you by’, we waste a lot of time crying over wasted time.
It’s not about what people think, it’s how you feel inside. My biggest failures in life are knowing I never tried. I look at the world from a different angle, people change, even Satan used to be an angel. Think twice before you’re biting on the hand that made you, don’t believe what you believe just because that’s how they raised you to be. Think your own thoughts, don’t let them do it for you. Say you want a drink, but don’t wait for people to pour it on you. Cut out the lies, stay close to the people you know are loyal, grab your own glass and fill it, don’t let your fear destroy you.